It's really surprising that I'm gonna be 19 years old soon when I found that I'm living in the month of November. Maturity grows with ages? I always ask myself that why am I still standing on the same spot all this long. Start to walk ahead Vicky, my legs are like tied up with tons of weight, the tears that I've shed surrounded my long stood spot, it's really hard to leave this spot.


The real me? The society that have proven what is me in this world which I can't really accept at first but not now anymore. I were once a "fairy-tale" dreamer, and it's time to stop all these nonsenses, just like how Avril Lavigne sings the song "Imagine". From the day I came to Sibu, I realized a lot. It's time for me to grow up and take this fact. I always wonder why can't people accept of who I am? Am I really that bad or different from others?

I love seeing people smile, it doesn't matter of how sad I am at that particular moment. I smile to everyone I see, regardless to stranger or friends. Really in fact, it makes me glad when they responded positively. It's really heart breaking when people got upset because they think of how "actious" am I, of why am I that fake. I'd really hope that for one day I can be accepted by the crowds, approved by this society. I just... just... want to make everyone happy, no harm. I won't care if I become the laughing source as long as you all are happy enough. Don't worry about me, I will push my emo feeling aside and "create" a happy face, the smile, the laughter, the smiling eye~


My queeky voice? How I wish one day I can talk normally like you all, some may feel envy of me having this voice. But I'm telling you, of how lucky you all are. The seriousness that came out from my mouth always became the laughter of others. The fear and trauma within me, how I wish I can just burn off these inner feels. Someone just please understand me! The burning sensation within me, it grows stronger whenever night falls. No one can see and hear it, I feel like cry out loud yet once again, choked, soundless cry ... turning my feelings to mute mode so that no one can hear it. How long I still going to be like this? I never know ...

Two shots of hate from a mouth as loud as a gun shot, like a thousand of knives stab through my weak heart. Do not remove them for it feels like death when every single knife being removed, it hurts more than stabbing in. I don't need any comforts for they are no longer effective, I... I just... need some typing here, that will... do :)